I saw this question as one of the questions that married couples should ask one another and it really resonated with me. Many of us are caring for parents and grandparents in their 80s, 90s and even some over 100. If you aren’t doing so yet you may well be. Women are usually primary caregivers so that means that they may end up involved in the care of their in laws as well as parents. So what does taking care mean? Let’s look at some scenarios:
Betty’s 92 year old mom nearly sets her house on fire because she forgot that she had left the stove on. Betty realizes that she cannot live alone any longer and wants to bring her to live with her and her husband Joe. Joe is vehemently opposed because he has a stressful job and doesn’t want anyone else in his personal home space. He wants Betty to consider a nursing home near their house. Years ago Betty had promised her mother that she would never put her in a home.
When Rick’s mother dies he invites his 76 year old father to move in with his family. Emily resents the invitation because her father in law is used to having someone wait on him hand and foot and will not even wash a dish or set the table. He also does not get along with their teenage children who he considers to be coarse and rude.
And
Debbie’s Mother has been in a nursing home ever since she fell and broke her hip at age 89. Her monthly fees had been paid for by her savings and investments but now five years later those are totally depleted. Debbie wants to use some of their joint savings to pay for the nursing home care. Her partner Roger disagrees arguing that the savings are for their children who are rapidly approaching college age.
Of course we could go on and on there are endless possibilities but you get the picture. Elderly parents may need to be taken care of physically or financially and sometimes partners or spouses may disagree with the type of care that is contemplated. Does Betty have to choose between her husband’s need for privacy and her promise to her mother? Does Rick need to choose between his difficult father and his wife? What about Debbie? – Does she choose her mom’s wellbeing over her children’s education? The answer is going to be difficult and different in every situation. The difficulty however is that many of the decisions are being made in a hurry.
For example Betty is now confronting the fact that her husband’s needs may conflict with her promise to her mother. She has known of her promise to her mother for years and she’s known her husband’s personality and preferences for a long time. Waiting until the moment of crisis is going to make things very difficult. Similarly Debbie has probably been monitoring her mother’s declining savings for some time and has not acted until they are totally depleted. At this point there are few options.
Ideally couples should discuss the issue of caring for their older relatives sooner rather than later. This would allow for a full discussion of options. For example Betty promised no nursing home but there are other possibilities such as having a live in caregiver. If she had contemplated her husband’s needs earlier perhaps she would have considered all the various scenarios. Perhaps Rick and Emily should have discussed this issue years earlier as a ‘what if’ scenario.
These decisions are hard and inevitably someone’s life is disrupted or inconvenienced. The goal is to get to a decision that minimizes unhappiness or disruption and getting there takes time and effort. In some cases it may take professional support and mediation. Our loved ones don’t want to be a burden and they don’t want to ruin our lives. There is a workable solution out there so take the time to find it.
middlingthrough 