Canada has had Thanksgiving, the US will have it in a couple of days and then come the Christmas and New Years’ holidays celebrated almost everywhere that Caribbean people live in large numbers. Many of us are looking forward to these holidays, either because of the opportunity to connect with family or because we will get some well needed rest. For one group of people it may mean something completely different – we’re talking about caregivers of the elderly.
You are a caregiver if you care for another person either on a paid or voluntary basis. The needs of the elderly don’t take a holiday and perhaps you can’t either. In fact it may be necessary to give paid caregivers time off and that means that unpaid caregivers must take up the slack. It can be difficult and it can be lonely work especially if the elderly person needs a lot of care. It may even lead to depression in the caregiver.
If you will be a caregiver in this holiday period you have some time to manage the upcoming holidays. First, don’t just assume that you have to care for the older person all by yourself. Ask for help! Many of us feel that people should volunteer but they seldom do, especially if we seem to be coping. So, you take the step and don’t be vague or subtle. Say for example – “I need to go shopping on Saturday – who can come and stay with Mama?” rather than “I can’t believe that you all are going to leave me alone to take care of Mama!”. The latter sounds whiney and vague, and people may not know how to respond. The former gives them a clear indication of what and when you want it. Fact -the tone of voice you use is important too – people respond more to body language and tone of voice than they do to the actual words. So be firm in asking – assume that someone will be coming to stay on Saturday rather than a timid “I know I’m asking a lot and you probably can’t do it but please try” voice.
Secondly, if your regular paid caregiver has to take time off then look for some help and introduce them gradually before the holidays. Of course you will be nervous leaving Mama or Auntie with a stranger so don’t let them be a stranger. Get to know them and see the interaction between themselves and your loved in a more relaxed setting. If you’re going to be out of the house then this gives you time to show them around rather than giving information in a rush.
Thirdly, if you cannot get help then don’t be a martyr. Maybe friends and relatives can come to spend some time with you. Many people may not know your situation but if you open up they may be only too willing to drop by, bring a meal or sit and have a glass of wine with you. You deserve some care too so don’t be afraid to ask for it. Link with family or friends by telephone or computer. Plan to do something for you as well. Don’t spend the entire time watching holiday movies – stock up on books or magazines that you’ve wanted to read, start a project that you’ve been meaning to try, haul out the sewing machine. In other words – do something specific that you enjoy rather than just sitting around watching the hours tick by in between caring for the senior. If the senior is able, then this is also a great time to capture their memories on tape as a legacy for others.
Don’t be a Martha either. Martha was a woman in the bible who was losing out on the moment because she was so focused on what her sister was not doing. First, as we said ask for the help that you want. Secondly, don’t waste time looking with envy at other’s situations. Those Hallmark moments are mostly fiction and in fact most people are not having a perfect time. Indeed many may envy you for not having to deal with some of their situations and drama! In your situation what is the good? Find it and then praise it! Caregiving is honourable work that is as old as time and those who do it will be blessed if not now, later. What are you learning from this season in your life and how can you use it for yourself and others? The answer may be your blessing!
Next time we’ll talk about caring for other caregivers
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