Some Elder Care Resolutions

If you have seniors in your life, particularly those who are mentally or physically challenged, you know how difficult it can be to manage their special needs. As the younger person in the relationship you have respect and reverence for them, but at the same time you may be called upon to become a caregiver, taking care of their most personal and intimate needs if their minds and bodies have started to fail. Unfortunately nothing prepares us for the delicate act and it isn’t surprising that many of us don’t handle the change of role very well. As we start a new year, here are some resolutions that may help you to manage this aspect of your life.

Resolve to:

• Meet the person at the point of their needs – not yours. When you love and care for an older person you sometimes try to micromanage their every move but by doing so you may rob the person of their dignity and independence. I know of many situations in which well meaning relatives in the city insist on moving a parent or grandparent from their rural area because they want to care for them. Unfortunately the senior does not function very well in the new environment and is unhappy. While the motives are good, perhaps a different strategy could have been used to take care of the senior’s needs. It may require more work and creativity but it may be worthwhile to preserve the senior’s independence, dignity and happiness for as long as possible.

• Talk about the difficult issues. As our parents and grandparents age, there are many issues that we need to discuss with them. For example we may need to know the state and location of their finances in case of an emergency, their end of life wishes and any specific preferences for the disposal and care of their estate. Many of us shy away from discussing these issues because we don’t know how or we don’t want to interfere. However, we may live to regret our delay if a relative lapses into a coma and the doctors ask us to make a decision about their care, or if they need emergency health care and we don’t know where or how to access the funds required for their care. Talking about the difficult decisions just makes sense and it can be less painful if you have prepared fully for it. For some guidelines on handling these awkward conversations, refer to some of the previous blogs on this site.

• Get the help that you need. I wrote this blog primarily for Caribbean people because I recognize that while we are living longer, we don’t yet have all of the facilities in place to deal with our aging population. There are resources however and they are increasing in number so you don’t have to try to manage elderly care on your own. It can take a village to care for a senior citizen, so connect with your the appropriate senior citizens associations, church outreach groups and governmental agencies to find out what assistance and support they can offer. Reach out to friends and family who can assist. In caring for the senior, be specific in what you ask for and be persistent in asking for help, particularly in the case of other family members. In the case of government entities, get the facts and be prepared to negotiate the red tape which may be well worth your while if you can get the financial assistance that is needed.

• Become more informed about senior care. Almost every expectant mother I have known has read the book’What to expect when you are Expecting’ .– It’s an expert guide on a phase of life which offers expectant mothers some knowledge – and as we know knowledge is power. Parents read books on how to raise their children, but how many people read and learn about managing the care of the elderly? There are many resources out there in bookstores, on the web and at various senior citizens organizations. Don’t try to drive blindfolded! Learn from those who have gone before and adopt and adapt what is relevant for your particular situation. And, of course read this blog regularly!

• Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. If you travel, you know that the safety instructions on every airline advise you to take this seemingly counter-intuitive advice. The reasoning is simple – you need to put yourself in the position of being able to help those who are dependent on you, so you must help yourself first. Dealing with the elderly can be physically and emotionally exhausting and burnout is quite common among caregivers, often rendering them incapable of caring for themselves or others. While it may be difficult to find the time to do anything for yourself, you have to prioritize this. Taking a few hours away from caring for a parent with Alzheimers puts you in a much better position to care for them than if you are overwhelmed because you feel that you can never get away. Don’t let guilt or fear prevent you from asking for the help that you need and deserve.

These are my suggested resolutions but add your own and please stick to them! Happy New Year!